i find my self completely chained to everyday routine. i hate change of plans, I'm not a spontaneous person, never been one. i think there's where all this self pity starts from, i found my self lacking from my own standard. I expect much from my self, i expect myself to do well. Then at times when i do not perform so well, then i will stop to think, is this what i meant to do in the first place...
today i woke up to my sister's plea to help her, i was too sleepy, much to sleepy to even sympathize for her. i barely remember what i did, but i remember i hated it. I regret my actions of course, regret could only come so far...
when people say they never regret the things they've done... I am dubious. How could you not? I mean people make mistakes in life, well the wiser ones would take the mistakes they've done as lessons and make sure they will never done it again. Being a fool myself, whenever i did something disastrous, i could see the journey of it laid in front of me, i've seen the pattern before, yet i still choose to go through it. It's like going to a maze, a dungeon, but knowing your way around, knowing what's waiting in each corner, yet you do not dodge it, it simply hit you and you're hurt... It's like you could forecast it, yet you ignore it. It's also a cycle, bad things happened for a reason right? It can be a wake up call, it can be a way to improve yourself, it could be a challenge, it could be something you must endure, it can be anything... yet one thing never change, bad things never have good timing...
As i said before, i hate changes of plan, bad things interrupts everything, yet it can't be budged. you can't ignore it, it's like a bee surrounding a flower, it wouldn't go until the job is done.
Yet, it makes me agitated knowing that good things can never be predicted. I try not to set too much hope for good things, i might be disappointed. I can only pray for good things, really, who doesn't pray or wish for good things? People wish for health, wealth and prosperity, every new year, birthdays, christmas, we close our eyes, say our little prayer, praying for all the wonderful things to happen on our lives. Good things happens everyday in my life, i am just too oblivious, stubborn, arrogant and pessimist to notice it.
Sometimes, you're too busy to notice the good things in life. What's funny is that when you realize it, you rather tweet about it than thank God for those good things. Funny. I think God is smiling down at me now, knowing that i tweet more than i pray these days. Sorry. A priest once told me that the first thing i should when i wake up in the morning is pray, pray that God will lead me through everything i must do today. He said, who are we to start the day without God's guidance. True, and again, i think God is smiling down at me again, knowing that the first thing i do when i wake up is curse at anyone who wakes me up, yikes!
Getting what you want isn't necessarily a good thing, not getting what you want isn't a bad thing either.
Once my friends was debating about God's plan. We're high school seniors, of course God's plan is crucial, COLLEGE is the reason why the debate start. Well, it wasn't much of a debate, it was more of an argument, cause no one has one solid logical reason why they are right. Okay, one friend believe that because God had planned out everything for us anyway, why don't we just chill a little, cause if it's meant to be it's meant to be. Qui Sera Sera... My other friend, believes in hard work, dedication and goals. Clearly different right. I was just doodling while they battle it out, trying to convince each other who's right...
For me, i believe in working while praying. Ora et Labora. I believe that God has planned wonderful things in our life, yet our actions might effect the outcome. I was thought by my father to be like a farmer, a boxer and a runner.
A farmer has dedication, they plant their seed, water it, harvest it with such care and attention that their plants bloom and grow fruitfully.
A boxer has to be smart in their actions, when to save their energy and when to put their effort to hit, when to dodge a punch, what to do when got hit.
A runner has to play fair and square in a competition, yet they have to win, they have the drive to win.
My dad also told me that skills is nothing without character, he wants his children to be "minded". My mom wants me to be a good person, she knows me inside and out, she knows everything about me, which made me feel bad when i lied to her and she doesn't doubt me. My mom is the best mother in the world! She's graceful, smart, strong, beautiful, ages well, great cook, sensitive, caring and tasteful. She's all about treat others as you want to be treated. I can't imagine living my life with out her. I love my parents, not because they let me do stupid stuff, but because they care. God bless them :)
sighs
*something smelled nice from the kitchen, must be my aunt cooking for my lil cousins, NO I SHALL NOT EAT MIDNIGHT SNACKS AAA
