okay, i am insomniac. It's official that i should get prescribed over-the-counter sleeping pills. i sat here at 1.49 AM, it's monday already. My room is a mess, un-hanged cardigans hanging helplessly on my chairs, scrunched up tissues all over the wooden floor, shoes everywhere, empty tissue boxes and... teddy bears.
For these past few days(read: weeks) i have been constantly riding the emotional roller coaster ride, and no it is NOT PMS-y. Basically, there's like this huge hole on my chest and it keeps growing wider and deeper. Apparently i am hurt. I've drunk all the liquors i can manage to fill this hole up, and it does for sometime, but it just doesn't last... I've tried eating my way through it, but i just ended up throwing it up. It's like my body rejects those sodium, trans-fat filled food... I've tried sitcoms, laughed while watching, and that's about it...
NOTHING WORKS FOR ME
(even porn)
Not forgetting that i am feeling lonely... EXTREMELY lonely. It's not like I demand attention, i am no attention whore. But i am lonely, which explains the teddy bears. Oh yes folks, i am collecting teddy bears now. I have this one big teddy bear in my room, i always put it on the corner of my bed, since i felt so alone... i started hugging it when i sleep... to realize i will still hold it tight when i'm awake. I cry so easily now, i don't show it tho... i'm glad my room has a lock :|
i've been meaning to tell anyone who reads this, i got a friendship issue
i do not like gangs and so-called solidarity, if you're close, you're just close.i dont like sticking to just one particular circle of friends, but believe me i am nooo social butterfly. i dont do well in groups, i work better on my own (why do i feel so lonely then? dammit). However, i am loyal... i keep secrets well and i am a good listener (despite my crazy mood swings i am actually a good friend). I get offended easily, but i am no drama queen so i dont show it.
These are the things I'm bothered with...
1. people who you spend your time with most of the day doesn't equal an actual friend
2. people have other people they prefer to share their stories to
3. those people might not be you
4. yet why do they have to talk so loud about their 'secrets'
5. aren't secrets supposed to be kept private
6. does the word WHISPER comes into mind
7. you are annoyed
8. they ask you what's wrong? having a bad day?
9. "Fuck off!" you managed to say in your head, "No, i'm fine..." you blurted out...
10. you choose to be alone, dodging these questions..
Wait, i just figure out how i got to this lonely, desperate state.
Quite satisfying...
NOT
and one thing? is it possible that a close friend doesnt tell you about their love live because they think/know you dont have one? or you dont have any experience?
do they? Ouch...
sighs
You know, when you watch movies, you see these friendships and you fantasize on being in one...
fictional friendships i envy
1. Friends (Ross, Rachel, Monica, Chandler, Joey and Phoebe)
even though phoebe and ross annoys me sometimes, they are just wonderful :( and it's friendship in New York, what else do you want...
2. Calvin & Hobbes
Oh God, envious much!
3. Harry Potter (Harry, Hermione & Ron)
They are just fabulous aren't they? :(
okay, bored to death now...
ending this...
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